I am in constant reflection mode- always pondering over my life and perusing through the annals of my very vivid memories. This time travel through the past, present, and future of my existence happens sporadically at times, and at others its on demand. Frequently, I return with some of the most potent medicine. My findings are known to bubble and rise to the top quickly, then I am left with treasures of the most profound epiphanies. I also experience those foggy messages from my soul that I just can't put into words or express to myself yet. Those are exciting because I know once I get "it", it will alter a piece of my story and send out frequency raising and energy healing beams.
Today is Father's Day. My social media time lines were flooded with "Happy Father's Day" messages and pictures of beautiful people with their fathers/brothers/uncles and other father figures in their lives. How wonderful, right? Suddenly, I began to feel the pressure of what I should post gently creep up on me. There are so many men in my feed on daily that I see with their babies doing the damn thing. I have brothers, cousins and friends who are fathers, I have a great "baby daddy" (yes, I use that term sometimes- its not that deep to me), and have had many men father me and bring masculine medicine through out my life. To NOT make a post would be, I don't know, disrespectful...ungrateful...bitter...weird even, right?
I sat with myself for a few moments. Then it became more clear to me (and even more clear as I type this blog) that my wound around what I believe I lost not having my own father be what I felt I deserved and wanted growing up was calling for my attention. I thought to myself: What am I going to say- the same shit I say every year? I feel like people are waiting to see what I'm going to post. Huuuuuuuuhhhhhh! Who are YOU going to post about? Then it hit me, in that moment I was in the space of judgement of what didn't happen. While this is the space I visit to heal, I now have a better understanding that this is not the place from which I wish to manifest, dwell, enter by default or allow rule the day. In addition, I've also learned that this is still, in its own rite, a very special space.
What's significant about this space? Without the judgement, The Place of Loss is the space of new possibilities, it's unexplored space in consciousness, the fertile ground in our essence, and a blank canvas waiting on us to become. How can this be so? On a higher level we learn that the "loss" is all an illusion. We only experience the pain because we attached ourselves to what we wanted to happen, to be, etc. When the "Dream Of" has to die, the cost of holding the attachment is the experience of real pain. The Place of Loss is the Alkhemist's kitchen- it is here we learn to spin our straw into gold and transform the stones we believe life threw at us into diamonds (amethysts, roses quartz, whatever, lol) for our crowns. We, the "losers", have to have shit not go "our way" or the way we were taught things are supposed to go before we can begin to re-imagine ourselves and gain total creative control over our lives as master architects. We come to this world with the task of truly learning to co-create with the shambles & rubble that we learn to transform into the finest, high quality, luxe materials. This is the ultimate gain- if we chose to see it as such.
How do we do it? We learn to rebuild ourselves with bricks of love by simply not dismissing the pain when it comes up. By acknowledging it and being honest with yourself about its presence, your attention will shift to everything you gained or how much you really didn't lose. This is Gift of Sight- being able to peer through the illusion, whatever it may be. For me it was the flashbacks of me sitting in the window on my Grandfather's knee, being driven to school (that was literally around the corner) every morning by my Uncle Charles, being schooled on the beginnings of Hip Hop & big belly laughs with my Uncle Wendall, having furniture dropped off to my first apartment by Mr. Yisrael, Mr. O'neal teaching me art, AND my own father recently attending my son's 8th grade graduation. While there are many, many more instances of being fathered, those are the ones that I saw with my minds eye as I began to breathe through the bitterness that was surfacing.
This principle can be applied to whatever illusion of loss you may have experience. A loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, a pet, or whatever. Yes, the pain is real, but if you look closer you'll be surprised. No pain. No gain. See through the illusion of loss and you'll always walk away with plenty.