We either had a "sub" (substitute teacher) or our beloved fifth grade teacher had stepped out of the room, but what ever the situation was, the absence of respected authority coupled with whatever I was feeling in that moment, caused me to say to my classmates, "let's be bad today". LOL, sounds totally delinquent, right? I mean, I was a stellar student, A honor roll, all of my teacher's top fave and an all around good kid. Why did I snap like that? The only thing I can chalk it up to now is- I was tired. I wanted some spice and excitement. I wanted adrenaline to gush through my system. I wanted to use my influence to create movement! Thinking about it, we were all good kids. Our single file (line) was on point, you could hear a pin drop in the hallways of our school, and being threatened with standing on the wall during recess would make you re-evaluate your entire life. If you had racks of "caught being good" coupons you could cash out in the school's store. But this wasn't enough. Gad dayum, how long were we supposed to stay tamed and trained?
A little mischief was callin' me...it kept callin' me...
I'll never forget the look on her face as I passed by. Yes, she sho' did go into that office and tell the administrators that it was all me. She might as well have said- "yes, she is the BAD one, she is the one causing all the trouble". At least that's how I interpreted it back then. The look on her face told me exactly what she thought and felt about me. I was crushed and felt like an outcast. How could I just be the only one? But that was my freshman year of high school, over 15 years ago...
I should be "over it", right? (Note: I still work on FORGIVENESS around this one)
Now that I am in my early 30s I have begun to see more of myself. I see how truths can be inverted, which means you have travel INSIDE to look around and see them because on the outside you only see what happened, not the deeper meaning of why it happened and the gifts that come with that. I'm sure "She" was only trying to protect who was most important to her and had no idea that the way she went about things would affect me in such a painful yet profound way. She just couldn't see me.
Sitting here, at this very moment, I am firm and sure. Of course, I am no longer yearning for naughtiness in the way a 5th grader might be. And no, I'm not ready to bus' out and scrap at the drop of a dime and seemingly "cause" the trouble like the 9th me (which was all survival stuff). It all seems very clear to me now though- I AM BAD. I'm a BAD Bitch...Queen...Goddess...Woman...MamaJama...Mutha- Shut Yo Mouth...Muhfucka. You can select whatever word you relate to the most so that you can FEEL what I am about to say.
I will have y'all out here actin' a straight fool:
CHALLENGING so called authority with your mere presence (all that you went through could have taken you out the game, right?)
DISHONORING all the bullshit you've been feeding yourselves and quiet as it's kept- what you have allowed others to feed you as well
REBELLING against old family stories/wounds/lies that don't represent who you are, what you want, or the legacy you wish to build and leave
BETRAYING a lot of what you were taught in school
WALKING OUT on relationships that don't add to your happiness, make you sick, don't value you, that you've outgrown, etc
SKIPPING work (don't get fired now, lol) to look for better or start your own business
FIGHTING for what matters the most (only when necessary)
SCREAMING if you have to, but most definitely using your voice as much as you wish
KNOCKING OUT lies by peacefully standing in and being your truth
TAKING chances you've been too afraid to take
On top of that I will:
DARE you to re-think any religion/belief that puts you last
DOUBLE DARE you to follow your OWN heart/mind/body/spirit
TRIPLE DARE you to love to love it all!
...and that's just what I can think of in this moment.
So, yes, I'm BAD, and becoming worse with every lesson learned. I'm B.A.D.- BOLD and DEDICATED. I am BOLD enough to create the life I want for myself and DEDICATED to the work that I need to do to see that it happens. If being good is synonymous with staying tamed, in line, quiet, attached to old rules, under the spell of FEAR, always concerned with what will go wrong,in the background and disrespected, and living a life void of spontaneity, passion and adventure - NO THANKS.
...once a good girls gone bad- she's gone forever
If you can relate to this, know that I can be scary to be in your presence. Your essence calls out to Baddies laying dormant in those around you. Because of this, some folks may stay away, some may be in and out of your life, some may hold resentment towards you- and all of that is ok. You just try not to take it personal- it ain't about you at all. Come to peace with it and you will find your tribe!
I am the one who will run to the edge and invite you to jump with me...